The other night, that thought crashed into my brain, lighting it up like a thunderstorm. The reason? My daughter's refusal to clean up her toys. This is the one area where she tries to challenge us. In all other ways, she is a thoughtful, happy, even helpful child.
We have the same battle almost every night. It is always the same thing. Usually I (but sometimes Hubby) asks her to start cleaning up. She knows that I'm going to help her, but she needs to start picking up on her own. We give her a chance to do so (roughly 5-10 minutes). When she makes no effort, I ask her more firmly. Nothing. I threaten her with Time Out. Nothing. Another ten minutes will pass with no forward movement. We tell her that this is her final warning. She needs to clean up... or else. No attempt to pick up her toys comes from her. Finally, we tell her to pick a toy (that she has carelessly discarded anyway) to donate to a child that isn't as fortunate as her. This ends with a screaming, crying fit from kiddo and leaves me to clean it up after she goes asleep. I fold. I melt. All her toys remain her own and the cycle continues the next night. Bad momma moment replayed... almost every night.
I admit that I'm an imperfect parent. Who isn't? I try my best, but I make mistakes. Parenting is filled with Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda's. There is always going to be another parent, who will tell you that you could have avoided that whole ugly moment by doing blah-diddity-blah. Or that you should have done a, b and c to make sure that your child grows up to be a well-adjusted adult. Or that they would've have done.... Eh, you get the point. While I'm sure most of it is well meant, this advice is tailored from their experiences with other children. And all children are different.
And what might be "no big deal" to one kiddo, might be something that another will remember into adulthood. We don't have the gift of precognition. It is impossible to tell which seemingly small mistake (that we make as a parent) will be part of the baggage that our children carry with them. I was reading a book in which the main character references a woman that refuses to use dryer sheets while doing laundry. She was a smart, educated woman. By all accounts, a relatively normal lady. You know why she didn't use them? Her mom had told her that they were poisonous when she was a child because dryer sheets were a new invention and her mother didn't know much about them. She never forgot that passing comment. Her mother probably never thought about that moment again, but her daughter carried it with her into her adult life.
This brings me back to our nightly clean up battle. Finally, I decided to go through with the threat. I picked out one of her dress-up outfits, put it in the foyer by the front door and told her that it was getting donated to a little girl that didn't have any dress-up clothes to play in. She crumbled. As much as you need to "harden" yourself to your child crying when things don't go their way, it still breaks your heart to see the little person, that you love more than anything, so distraught. Her face was flushed and covered in tears. It was at that moment that it occurred to be that I was screwing up my kid. Fireworks went off. Alarms sounded. This could be the unforgettable moment that scars her. She could be a future "collector of junk" seen on "Hoarders: Buried Alive" all because her momma got rid of a dress-up outfit (that she never even played with) against her will.
I helped her clean up after that with this awful feeling in my stomach. I gave her a bath, got her in her jammies and read her a bedtime story. That night, I wondered about the unavoidable mistakes that we make as parents. Could I undo the damage if intuition told me that this might be one of those mind-searing moments?
I decided YES. This memory has yet to be set in stone. I set up a proposition with her. If she cleaned up the next night without any complaints or continual prodding then she could earn back the outfit. That night, she helped me clean up without any problems. She reclaimed her fairy outfit, threw it in her dress-up chest and it hasn't seen the light of day since.
It doesn't matter if she never plays with it again. I want her to willingly let go of her toys when she outgrows them like she's done in the past. I hope that she'll look at donation as a good thing, not as a punishment. It doesn't matter if other parents agree with my methods. The only thing that will matter is that my daughter grows up to be a happy, healthy, thoughtful, caring person.
I think I'm on the right track with that.
Coffetable Conversations:
What battle do your repeatedly have with your child?
What mistakes have you made as a parent?
What backward thinking (like the woman with the dryer sheets) do you have as a result of something that happened to you or was said to you as a child?
